How disciplined does one need to be to get what they want in life?
It's a question I've been mulling over for years — originally posed to me over dinner in East Village with a German I fancied back in the day. Truth be told, I've also thought of myself as a pretty straightforward woman: if I like it, I like it, if I don't, I don't. Gray areas make me uneasy and I like decisions to be made quickly.
I had a laughable chat with a new friend recently. He asked me how long I'd gone without having sex, to which I replied: two years.
The look on his face was dreadful, however, I felt a little pity for him. It's not that I didn't want to have sex, or that opportunities had not presented themselves — I decided that I did not want to engage in any sexual activities for those years in order to figure out some things about myself. My emotional state mattered more than my vagina’s needs.
Naturally, I abided by his concern with stories of all my conquests after the two years.
I've recently quit drinking and the question of discipline has been weighing heavily on my mind. I'm doing the whole thing cold turkey, and frankly, I’m not loving it. I drift through feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and finally despair.
I'm 37 and ready for something different.
My life is truly blessed and I have no complaints, however, there is a lingering feeling in the back of my heart that I can be doing much more. Seeing much more. Giving much more. Building much more.
I decided to quit drinking as a final step toward greatness. I know that sounds dramatic, but it truly comes down to this: I was not great with alcohol.
I used it to cope and to hide. Alcohol gave me the freedom to not take responsibility for my actions and to soak my sadness in liquid. It simply wasn’t working for me, so, I woke up one morning drenched in sweat and a bad headache, and chose to quit.
Just like that.
A lot of people have kind of scoffed at this decision, joking that "it's not that serious" or that, "I'll be back to drinking soon enough." None of these statements help.
But then again, I think it takes a lot of courage to face your demons head-on and say, “no”. I also think that kind of courage is scary to some because it says a lot more about them than it does about you.
I'm emotionally evolved enough to know when others are projecting their fears on me or their expectations. Just because you can't see yourself quitting alcohol doesn't mean I won't.
If there's one thing, my mentor, Iman Hassan has taught me is to stand for what you believe in and be unmovable when it comes to doing what is best for you.
"Discipline means different things for different people," she says, adding "some people see it as a sacrifice, and I don't. Is it something that I need in my life right now for where I'm trying to head to, or what I'm trying to achieve? If it doesn't suit me, then I have enough discipline not to do it."
And that is the crux of my feeling these days: do I have enough discipline to remove alcohol from my life entirely?
Truth be told, I have thought about eliminating alcohol for years now, but I was afraid to. Being the New York City girl with a cocktail in hand, gallivanting around the city in heels was deeply tied to my identity. Top that off by moving to the country of red wine, and spending all my summer nights ordering bottle after bottle.
I was terrified of quitting alcohol because I didn’t know who I would be without it. That, my friends, is a very sad and deeply shameful truth. I’ve swallowed it whole, accepted it, and now, I sit here writing this essay with the clarity of a woman who is as sober as can be.
I like discipline. I enjoy waking up each morning and reminding myself of the task at hand — the purpose, the goal, the prize. I am currently sitting on some really big dreams that I want to bring to fruition, but I also know that to achieve them, there are some things (and people) that I have to eliminate from my life.
"I consider discipline something self-imposed instead of something that we are obliged to do by someone else," says Valentina, a close friend of mine and super mom.
My sobriety is self-imposed.
I know that no one can walk this journey for me, and no one can fix the things that I know, need fixing. Choosing a sober life takes a lot of discipline — especially when everyone and everything around you screams, DRINK.
It’s a day-by-day process and I’ve put on blinders to block out the noise. Everything from muting Instagram accounts, removing myself from certain social circles, adding more time with my therapist, signing up for workout classes to spending my evenings deep in a book. I’m even rebooking flights and changing destinations just to be in places that support my sobriety.
Sometimes, discipline is like going back to school and studying for that final exam.
“I used discipline to get the university graduation, become good at my job, study English, learn how to sew, and now to be a mum,” Valentina adds. For her, discipline equals success, and like anything in life that is valuable to you — you have to work for it.
And what does discipline look like now that alcohol and I are no longer an item?
For now, pretty bland — and I can admit that.
My days are very focused on achieving my professional goals, writing, cooking, and pilates. I have of course the bureaucratic things that I must do for my stay in Italy (I received my Codice Fiscale yesterday and it's a major win for me, however small). I'm also taking care of my family during a rather challenging time for them, which also means setting boundaries for myself.
The month of August is a time of deep rest, recovery, and work for me. One of my goals is to have a ton of my shit together by the time I land in Milano and return to my home in Turin, starting off the fall season sober and grounded. This period of my life is by far the most disciplined I have ever been, but I think it’s necessary because sometimes, it matters that you stick to it.
I want to be great — and I want that more than I want my next glass of wine.